Restore point

Visuals by Stanka / written by Alen Mischael Vukelić

Photos: all by organictalks.com / Pixabay

Addictions can really be a drag. I had all of them. Cigarettes, drugs, food, thoughts, drama, and many more. Thoughts are still left, ’cause they are a bit more complicated than food or cigarettes, and probably others which I am possibly not aware of at the moment.

The word addiction itself sounds like a disease, and at the same time it does not say much, senseless joy in repetition is much better. So for the sake of abbreviation I just call it repetition.

Isn’t it? I mean, repetition? I had fun, and I want to have fun again? So I’m trying to repeat it, over and over until I get stuck in repetitions.

It’s not as good as the original experience but not that bad either. The easiest repetitions to recognize in oneself are those condemned by society or those which are illegal. The hardest ones are those which are encouraged by our society, like wrong food, excessive thinking, and personal drama.

But how do I stop and why, anyway? I never stop until I have enough. Not one second sooner.

That is usually my starting point. To me, it seems nearly impossible to stop if I ain’t got enough! Then comes the day (or night) when I say: Eeeennnouuuuuuugggghhhh!!! And I’m ready to start. From zero. Yes, that’s the worst part, because I have to start from zero, or from nothing, from nowhere, NIENTE, CAPISH?! There is just this desert with no signs where to go, and just nobody who can help me. Darkness, no one in front, no one from behind, just me and my other self, having a conversation with me.

One-man debate

These conversations are really odd. I am asking a question – or am having a thought – and the answer, or better, the doubtful comment, is seemingly coming from the same source inside me, but clearly from somebody else. I mean, we loosely say, “oh, I’m talking to myself”, but what does that really mean? That I am dividing myself into two entities, and those two are having a conversation? Or what?

Who’s answering and who is asking the question? This duality is considered ‘normal’, or it isn’t talked about – but still everybody is doing it. I mean that’s a fact, isn’t it? These two entities are having a conversation about all their miseries, doubts, fears, and so on. But to which one should I listen to? And what does it mean? Am I a third person envolved, who has to make a decision, taking into account all the pros and cons those two were referring to? I don’t know who is right, to me both are sick little bastards, hooked on drama and exaggeration; that’s what they are!

But forget all of this, what I wanted to say is that I need a starting point. What do I do, when I don’t smoke, eat, drink, take drugs, whatever? What do I do? I need to fill the gap. At that point, I usually change my repetition. Meaning that in order to get rid of one addiction I simply bring in another! Stop smoking, start eating. Stop drinking, start drugging. It works, but just for a while. The cycles become faster and faster, and eventually I run out of new addictions.

Finally, it’s all there at once; the pills, the smokes, the dopes, the flopes, and what now? I can’t sort it out one by one; it’s too big and too many; the only way is to change everything at once. Sounds terrible, but for me, it was the easiest way to do it. I didn’t think of it; it came flying by like a sudden surprise given by someone.

What is the original fun?

Here it is. I call it the restore point. Clearly taken from computer language, meaning that your computer got into trouble and a good way to resolve it, is to put it back to some earlier point in time, to some point were everything was fine and restore it from there. The great thing about it is, everything that went wrong after that date is gone, and I am free to use my computer as I did before.

This analogy is just to give an example of how it worked for me. It came as a seemingly innocent suggestion, almost like a question: “How did I feel in the same situations, doing the same things, going to the same places BUT without the addictions?”

The thing is, that at some point, I was doing almost all of these same things without the habits, and it was fun. That’s how it started anyway. It was fun, and I wanted more of it. In the past, I could go into a club because of the people and the music – that was the primary focus – I loved it to go dancing, and I loved it to meet interesting new people. That was the original fun, and that is what I tried to recreate artificially through my habits.

And so I did it – overnight – I stopped smoking and quit all drugs – all together – restore – cold turkey. And whenever some thoughts drifted towards drugs or cigarettes, I went back in time to my restore point – and they were gone. In the beginning, I had to do it more often, but after some time, it faded away completely.

When I managed to kick it all at once, it was pure magic. I could sit at the same table with people who were doing drugs or smoking – or whatever they were doing – enjoying myself totally, simply because I didn’t have to add anything to what was already there. The music was great; I was finally able to feel it again and enjoyed dancing more than ever. Some people, of course, had to be the matrix agents, trying to pull me back, but they couldn’t.

It’s harder to catch an addiction than to delete it

I did the same thing with food. I just remembered the time when everything was more important than food. When I was a kid, every little insect was more significant than lunch. Eating was more of a drag to me. I wanted to get it done quickly, so that I could go out playing again. Later, my life circled around the refrigerator as the holy grail of my existence. Instead of trying to eat less, I just changed the restore point and deleted the mistake completely.

To make it clear, this is no denial. I don’t deny anything; I just don’t lose time elaborating on it. Denial, is to take on a new habit. Restore point, is a fresh start to a life I actually never lost, but just confused for some time for something else.

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